Justin Bradley Lindley

A Message for Mom

Last night while I was trying to sleep
My son's voice did I hear.
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.
He said: Mom you've got to listen,
You've got to understand;
God didn't take me from you, Mom
He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that day,
The instant that I died.
He reached down and touched my hand,
And pulled me to His side.
He pulled me up and saved me,
From the misery and the pain.

My body was so badly hurt,
I could never be the same.
My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within;
All the answers to empty dreams,
And all that might have been.

I love you all and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby.
My body's gone forever
But my spirit will never die!
And so, you must all go on now,
Live one day at a time,
Just understand!
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand.

Loving you always Justin!

Monday, June 29th 9:40 p.m.-We ate Italian food tonight Justin and your love of eating comes to mind. First of all it didn't matter if you had just had a meal if you came into momma's house it was time to eat again. Think that is natural with all of us though, nothing ever tastes quite as good as it does at Mom's or grandma's house.  When I think of you I think of dipping chocolate bars into the peanut butter like the commercial.  I think of chicken strips with lots of honey mustard or ranch dressing and of course, macaroni & cheese on the side.  I remember you folded each slice of pizza in half long ways as you ate it.  I remember as a teenager how you honestly had a hollow leg, you could eat a huge meal and in 30 minutes be back for a couple of double decker PB & J sandwiches rinsed down with a huge glass of milk.  I also remember you told folks you only liked to drink the milk at Mom's house and how you had to smell everything before eating it. I am sure now that I think back, nothing green ever passed those lips.  What silly things to think of but I am sure peanut butter pie should carry the name Justin's peanut butter pie (you always wanted one just for you-ha!).

Tuesday, June 30th 7:00 p.m.-Tomorrow July begins, another reminder that you have been out of my sight for nearly a year.  My eyes may no longer see you but I know you are here, locked in my heart. I don't think I could bear to live another day if I thought I would truly never get to hold or see you again.  I try every day to focus on how happy you are, free--finally free of all pain and all your worries.  The selfish part of me wants you back at any cost but the true mother's heart takes over and I try to feel your joy. So son, be joyful, sing, dance and bask in heaven's glow.  Our life on earth surely must be just a blink in time to life in heaven, so save a place for me. I really need a hug and kiss from you, would even welcome some of your teasing and to hear "But Mom" one more time.  Loving you always and tucking you into my heart tonight never to be forgotten!

Wednesday, July1st 11:50 p.m.-Tonight I was thinking about how you used to tell me you were born in the wrong era.  You liked music from the 70's and always wore tie-dyed shirts when you were at home.  Even had some patchwork pants.  On the other hand you were one of the most particular people I know about looking good with your brand name clothes and shoes when you had to dress up.  I remember teaching you to do your own laundry because I got tired of finding clean clothes in the hamper just because you didn't want to put them away-ha!  Then as an adult you were so picky about your clothes you didn't even want me to wash them - who taught you anyway-right? I also remember not being able to keep up with your changing fashions-one day it was the skater look, the hippy look the next and the preppy look the following day.  You loved your clothes dude-hope your angel duds are to your liking.  My guess is they are just right and it probably doesn't matter as much now, but when I get there I will expect to find you in tie-dye-Ha!

Thursday, July 2nd 11:55 p.m.-Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come. Rabindranath Tagore   Just thought a quote was good for today and I really love this one.  Justin your dawn has come baby, you be happy in it and I know you will. Loving and missing you!

Friday, July 3rd 2:00 p.m.-Justin thinking of you today as I prepare for July 4th with family.  Wishing you could be here.  Remember many times going to the river bank, throwing down a blanket and listening to the symphony as the fireworks were shot off the bridge.   I remember that we used to watch the helicopters circling the area to watch the fireworks from the sky and now just like them you will have a spectacular view.  With all the beauty you see everyday now they probably pale  in comparison. Keeping you in my thoughts, every minute of every day Justin.

Saturday, July 4th 10:00 p.m.-I guess my mind today goes to your time in the army.  You were so proud of all your accomplishments as were we all.  You worked hard, made lots of friends and did things I could never imagine that you would do.  I remember when Austin was born you were in the desert training.  I remember your fear of spiders and thinking you would probably use the machine gun to kill one if it got in your tent-Ha! You made it through it but you had lots of stories about no bath for days, learning to set off grenades, and driving the Bradley tanks.  Driving a tank was a scary thought for me since driving a car was not exactly your best skill.  I also remember you said when you finally got to take a bath there was dirt in places you didn't even know you had-pretty funny story coming from the guy who preferred to smell like sun-ripened raspberry lotion! Happy 4th of July son, hope the fireworks were grand!

Sunday, July 5th 5:20 p.m.-Your grandparents are here from Florida this week.   Makes me remember the first time we traveled there after Terry and I married, you were 8 years old.  You had such a blast, you wanted to sit in the first 3 rows at Sea World just to let Shamu get you soaked.  Then when we were at Disney World standing in line to ride It's a small World, we overheard you talking gibberish.  When we asked you what you were doing, you said you wanted everyone to think you were from another country.  You had seen so many different people at the park and were exposed to different languages that you just had to play the part.  As always, you were one of the funniest, most witty people I will probably ever know as a kid and as an adult.  Wonder what you're like in heaven?  Are you still cracking jokes-most likely!!

Monday, July 6th 11:45 p.m.-Lots of tears today and cannot really put my finger on why today is worse than yesterday.  Brings to my mind the times in your life when I tried as your Mom to make your hurts-physical and emotional go away with a kiss, a kind word, a prayer or just a willing ear to listen.  I felt helpless at times to make things better but I always tried.  Remember when a special bandaid could fix anything but now I wonder how do you fix a broken heart. If it were Terry you know he would use velcro or duct tape-Ha!  If it were Tyler he would take it all apart and put it back together.  Jill would swap her tender heart for mine.  Praying today for a sign from you Justin, that you are around me and somehow that you can give me a little heavenly superglue to hold my heart together until we can hold each other again. Goodnight Justin!

Tuesday, July 7th 11:30 p.m.-Tonight I went to a Bereaved Parents meeting, not really a club I would ever want to join because of what qualifies you to be a member, but they are a group of people who truly understand my pain.  I have found so many good caring friends there and here on last-memories site that have faced my struggles and have been a tremendous help to me in the past year.  Without the support of friends like these and God above I can honestly say I probably would not be writing this tonight.  Trying to remember all the good times we had Justin and not focus on the things we could have done differently.  Simple things tonight remind me of you, like the beautiful full moon I saw in the clear sky on the way into work.  I can remember you would call me on the phone to go outside and see the moon when it was especially beautiful or to witness a beautiful rainbow in the sky. Thank you for all the joy you brought to my life.  Each and every day we had together was  a precious gift(even the trying ones) and I am looking forward to the day that we will see each other again! You hold my place for me, keep my seat warm cause when I get there I want you to sit on my lap again just like you did at the age of 28 years old-Ha!

Wednesday, July 8th 9:15 p.m.-Funny story tonight, thinking about when you were in the 6th grade and you and other boys got into trouble for blocking the door closed after recess keeping the rest of the class outside.  They called me and told me that they could suspend you for three days or I could come to school with you for three days.  Well, when I walked in to the office you had all your stuff anticipating a much desired three day vacation; however, what you got was a constant companion for the next three days in the 6th grade.  We have laughed over the years about me sitting right beside you in class, flicking your leg every time you decided to get out of line or not pay attention.  Then when it was lunch time for some reason you thought I would go out to lunch and instead I parted the boys at your table and sat right beside you.  You were going to leave me sitting  on the side of the playground at recess while you played basketball and I told you I could shoot a mean granny shot-no basketball for you those days.  The only place I didn't go with you was into the bathroom, but I anxiously stood right beside the door awaiting your return.  Needless to say I only went back to the 6th grade one time, never had to do it again.  You were one funny kid Justin even in the trying times.

Thursday, July 9th 6:40 p.m.-Today another poem that speaks my heart. Missing you more everyday Justin!

MY CHILD

On the day God took you 
I thought that I would die
I wondered where the time went?
I asked alot of whys??
With people all around me
I felt alone inside
From all their words of comfort,
I couldn't seem to hide,
I thought I might be dreaming
That I'd wake and find you here,
I thought "This can't be happening."
As I wiped another tear.
On the day that you were laid to rest
My heart broke yet again,
I wondered if the pain would end,
But mostly, I wondered when??
It's hard to be without you,
At times the days seem long,
Sometimes I just sit crying,
When there's really nothing wrong.
I wish we'd had more time,
Before your life was done.
I hope your resting peacefully,
My precious Son.....

Friday, July 10th 6:05 p.m.-Ticking off another day of memories of lasts, the last time we hugged and told each other we loved each other, the last time we talked on the phone, the last time we ate a meal together, and the list goes on.  As I sit here in tears I know these are truly not lasts we have just hit the pause button because I know I will see you again.  Until then I will lock these memories into my heart, holding them there like the treasure they are.  Closing my eyes and seeing your smiling face.   I would give anything to hold you again, right now today but I know that is not possible.  One minute, one hour, one day at a time Justin until I see you again.  You are truly only one heartbeat away! So tonight it is not goodbye just see you later, hold my place for me!

Saturday, July 11th 10:30 p.m.-Well tonight I feel like you sent me a sign Justin.  I opened my freezer door and there in the door was a bag of homemade peanut butter balls, left from Christmas I guess.  Now I get into the freezer at least once a day and have never seen these there (believe me in this family if anyone knew they were there they would have been gone a long time ago), but they were right there in the door literally staring me in the face.  Aunt Virginia used to make you a batch of your very own (alittle spoiled weren't you) and the rest of us would have to negotiate a few for us-Ha! Craziness that these would be found this week of all times but I am going to take this as a loving sign from you knowing how much you loved them.  Made me
Sunday, July 12th 6:00 p.m.-Yesterday I watched as Austin opened his birthday presents at his early birthday party.  His excitement reminded me so much of you and the many times we celebrated your birthday.  You were truly a kid at heart even as an adult.  The older I get I wish birthdays would sometimes go unnoticed but you had not gotten there yet.  It was always a big production.  When you were little we did every theme birthday known to man, Showbiz pizza, McDonald's, fireman party at the fire station, swimming parties and the list is endless.  As an adult you wanted my homemade lasagna and the cake of your choosing (usually something to do with peanut butter and chocolate).   Well Justin what a spectacular way you will celebrate 30 years old in August, we will be celebrating right along with you on your birthday.  We will eat lasagna and cake and think of you and the joy you brought to our lives.  Even though we miss you we will celebrate your freedom, your peace and your happiness thanking God for blessing us with you for 28 years, 11 months and 3 days. 

Monday, July 13th 9:15 p.m.-Trying to hold it together today Justin but have been in tears most of the day.  Cannot put words to why today, just know my heart hurts.  I am preparing for your balloon release and candlelighting to celebrate your life and it is giving me purpose to make it through the days.  You know me always do better if I have a project in hand.  You are now my main project, I will make sure you are never forgotten.  Your children will know you as long as I have breath to tell them and after I am gone they will be able to look at this website and have a memory book of you.  Long after everyone else doesn't want to talk about it any longer you will remain in my thoughts (you are by the way the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night.  You can bet anytime anyone asks me what I am thinking about it most likely is you.)  Please Justin stay around me, I need to know you are here in whatever way you can manage.  I will not say Goodbye, just see you later dude!  Love you with all my heart and soul Justin.

Tuesday, July 14th 9:30 p.m.-For some reason tonight I am thinking about the three weeks you spent in the hospital when you had your car accident in 2007.  I remember you were in there several days flat on your back with many fractures in your back.  You gave it your all to try to get up to walk when I saw an awful knot on your spine, come to find out your spinal column was compressed and you came very close to severing it and paralysis in the wreck.  You ended up with two very long metal rods in your back, the neurosurgeon said the injury was so bad it was like trying to find a place to hang your hat that there was not enough intact bone to put the rods in.  I guess I say all that to say even though you were tough you still needed your momma.  The nurses never  gave you a bath, never made your bed because you would wait till your mom got back (in the one hour I was allowed to leave for a bath a day).  We had some great late night talks and laughs during those three weeks and the months that followed while you got well. Even though I would give anything for you not to have had to endure that pain, I cherish the time that I took care of you.  You would call me to you in the middle of the night just to give me a kiss and tell me you loved and appreciated me. Well tonight I smile because you no longer need me to nurse you back to health, baby you are free of pain, no more rods in that back now.  You are probably jumping and dancing your way around heaven-no doubt! Love you.

Wednesday, July 15th 1:15 p.m.-Tonight we celebrate you and your life Justin.  Watch for your balloons and enjoy the light of the candles we light for you!

A candle to remember, may it burn every so bright

                        As we look to the heavens on this very night.

                          Beyond the stars, our dear Justin soars

                        Embraced by his Savior on heaven's shores.

                  As the angels protect him and sing Justin's sweet name

                          We honor his life with the glow of this flame.

                            So we light this candle for Justin tonight

                          As a symbol of our love and his eternal life.

Thursday, July 16th 11:00 a.m.-Last night was a beautiful expression of our memories and love for you Justin. This morning I got up and went to the cemetery, lit a candle and watched the sunrise.  One year ago at that very time you slipped from your earthly body into God's loving arms.  As I was sitting there waiting for the sunrise, which was rather subdued today because of the clouds I read a post I received through the night from Grief Share-the topic today was "Enjoy God's Creation", how appropriate that I was talking to you enjoying only a small view of the glorious beauty you must see in great magnitude.  Although I am sorrowful, I am also grateful that God has you in His embrace.  Every day I will try to enjoy God's beauty and realize that I am one day closer to seeing you.  Another poem for today says it all.

It’s been a year since you’ve passed away

Our wounds are healing slow

We want so much to hear your voice

To see your smile’s glow

We feel a warmth around us

Like your presence is so near

And we close our eyes to visualize

Your face when you were here

We think about you with love today

But that is nothing new

We thought about you yesterday

And days before that too

We think of you in silence

We often speak your name

Now all we have is memories

And your picture in a frame

Your memory is a keepsake

With which we’ll never part

God has you in his keeping

We have you in our heart

You will NEVER be forgotten, you have been a part of my heart since I found out in December 1978 that there was a little baby growing inside of me.  It was under my heart you started and in my heart you will stay Justin!