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Angel Anniversary

Justin Bradley Lindley

August 13, 1979 ~ July 16, 2008

Balloon Release & Candlelighting Celebration of Life

The First Year Comes to a Close
 
On July 16th the first year without you physically here with us comes to a close. This has been the hardest year of my life. I have been trying very hard to focus not on the earthly firsts like the first Christmas without you and instead find comfort in the fact that I will see you again, feel your embrace and see that beautiful smile. I know that you were entrusted to me to love and nurture by your TRUE Father until he called you home to Him. I am so thankful to have had you with me for 28 years, 11 months and 3 days. 
 
I will be posting each day to the website in the coming month, just writing whatever comes to my mind that day. I will be reaching into the depths of my aching heart and thinking about all the beautiful memories of you. Because the Random Acts of Kindness always put a smile on my face, I will be doing something each day this month (may not always post them because some things are best unspoken). I am hoping others will take this month and honor your memory by helping us pay it forward.
 
It makes us smile for you to help us remember Justin. Please continue to speak to us about him and the memories you have. We LOVE to hear his name. Thank you for the prayers and support you, our friends, both online and in person continue to give us. Words can never express what you mean to us.
 
Teresa-Justin’s Momma
Tuesday, June 16th 7:30 a.m.-Today Justin I am thinking of looking into your beautiful brown eyes when you were a tiny baby losing myself in your gaze.  Thinking to myself what a miracle God had entrusted to me to love, protect from harm and be my companion in this earthly life.  I am still in awe of you my son!  I am honored to be chosen to be your Momma.  Love and kisses to you today my firstborn!
Wednesday, June 17th 7:50 a.m.-I remember when you were about six weeks old and actually slept past a feeding time in the middle of the night.  Your Dad and I woke up about an hour later and realized you hadn't gotten up-we panicked.  First your Dad reached into the cradle next to the bed to see if you were breathing, couldn't feel anything.  On came the lights, open came your eyes and you smiled I am sure thinking what is all the fuss about.  Needless to say we never did that again.  I loved just sitting during the day and watching you sleep, so sweet, so peaceful.  I rest assured your earthly body just went to sleep and awoke to the beautiful "SON"shine on the other side in your perfect heavenly body.  Bask in the light son and save a place for me!
Thursday, June 18th 9:05 a.m.-Today I am thinking about your adventurous spirit.  From the time you were just a little boy until you were a man.  You were always full of energy and spunk son(sometimes a little exhausting for your momma).  If there were no toys in a room you made your own, the master pretender whether you were a fireman or batman.  As a teenager this same spirit sported hair that looked like a sumo wrestler,pink and green hair, sagging pants and the skater look, I really can't remember a trend you didn't try. Those things now make me smile as I think of you, never afraid to step outside the box and be your own person. Even wondering today if your angel wings are tie-dyed-Ha!
Friday, June 19th 4:00 p.m.-Thinking today about how you made friends wherever you were.  We could go to McDonald's and in less than five minutes you would have new best friends.  You never met a stranger, you would talk to anyone who would talk back and even those that wouldn't.  This occasionally got you into trouble, especially in school when as a kindergarten student you would see a friend passing in the hallway and just get up and walk out of class to have a conversation.  This trait was true about you your entire life, you made friends easily and always had plenty of them. Bet you are keeping heaven buzzing--no doubt!
Saturday, June 20th 9:15 p.m.-This morning as I showered I soaked in the smell you loved Sun Ripened Raspberry from Bath & Body.  The scent has actually been retired but thanks to a very thoughtful daughter-in-law, Jenny, she found some which was back in the store on clearance and bought me some.  I would always tease you about wanting to smell like a girl and today it was as though you were wrapped around me like a warm blanket.  Funny that something so simple brought me such immense joy. Sitting here even though the smell has faded I can close my eyes and breathe in deeply and smell it, likewise I feel you.  Good night, sleep tight my baby boy.
Sunday, June 21st 5:40 p.m.-Today is Father's Day my mind takes me to the times I have watched you with your children.  As your Mom seems impossible to watch your baby have babies of their own, but what a joy. I told you and you agreed this is when you understand love from the depths of your heart.  Although you didn't get to be at Austin's birth you kept telling me "Mom isn't he beautiful, I make such pretty babies".  You were absolutely right Justin.  Watching you at Jaycie's birth as you cried, telling her how beautiful she was is something every Mimi should get to experience.  Thank you for allowing me to be there with you those moments are precious to me.
Monday, June 22nd 9:45 a.m.-Justin today is one of my crazy days, I start my double evening-night shifts tonight.  I don't know why but I am reminded of the times I would try to get a nap before the shift and text you kids to let me sleep unless it was an emergency.  I now can laugh because you quite frequently had to talk to me at that particular time, feeling like whatever you had on your mind just had to be said right then.  I also remember when you would call me in the middle of the night on my shift just to talk.  I am glad we had that kind of relationship.  I know kids don't always tell their Mom's everything but I feel honored you felt comfortable using me as a sounding board as you made some of your decisions in your life.  You would tell me you loved me and appreciated me. Even though there was no guide book on parenting, I hope you know I did my very best.  I loved you unconditionally and I know you knew it. Every girlfriend you ever had always told me, Justin has already told me if I don't like his Momma, I gotta go! 
Tuesday, June 23rd 3:55 p.m.-Well Justin as I sit here making this note before going back for another evening-night shift lacking the energy to even wake up, I am reminded of your neverending energy as a child.  Being my first  I always thought all kids did fifty things at one time, you would be eating a snack, running circles, playing GI Joe men and watching TV at the same time.  It really never occurred to me that there were children who sat still occasionally.  Although through the years the desire to wake up every morning at 6 a.m. went away with the teenage sleep half the day syndrome, your mind was always turning.  You became the incessant night owl, watching what our family calls "Justin movies" like Dumb and Dumber till all hours of the night, while eating a snack, playing on the computer and oh let's not forget the text messaging on that cell phone.  It is a good thing there is probably no need for cell phones in heaven, I feel like I might occasionally get hit in the head with one being dropped as you lost it or dropped it in the toilet-Ha! You make me smile today Justin!
Wednesday, June 24th 8:15 p.m.-Well Justin, tonight for some crazy reason I am thinking of when I taught you how to drive.  I have to say this was among the most nerve wrecking things I ever attempted to do.  I guess it was payback for when Granddaddy taught me to drive a stick shift and told me he needed a neck collar and a helmet.  I vividly remember when we were driving on a four lane street telling you to check over your shoulder before moving to the center lane and you looked over the wrong shoulder then proceded to change lanes.  Driving was just not your forte dear Son, but no need to worry about that now cause I am sure your wings are a faster and much safer means of transportation.  Loving you always, speedy!
Thursday,June 25th 9:15 p.m.-Today I had a six month regular check-up with my oncology doctor, very happy to be a ten year breast cancer survivor.  As I sat there waiting for her to come in to the room I recalled when I was diagnosed 10 years ago and you were away in boot camp.  I kept it from you knowing you would surely go AWOL to come home to be with me.  I remember Uncle Rusty flying with me to Kentucky to see you with me still having the drains from the surgery in place.  You were alittle angry with me for not telling you but you got over it. I wanted you to be free of distraction to do your best in boot camp and son you did.  This was a time in your life when you beamed with pride for all of your accomplishments.  As your Mom I was beaming right along with you and your BUFF self-Ha!
Friday,June 26th 8:15p.m.-Austin lost a tooth this week and I am reminded of the first time you lost a tooth. First of all it partially came out when you bit down on a tupperware sippy cup and I had to convince you to let me finish pulling it.  I had always told you if you didn't brush your teeth they would fall out and you were sure that was what was happening and you would not get another one. (My bad!) Anyway the next morning you were ever so excited when you found out the tooth fairy was indeed real!  Of course, it wasn't long till you figured out if you left the tooth fairy a note that your Mom liked to save the tooth that she would leave it.  You then took it to your Dad's house & grandmother's house and tricked that silly tooth fairy! Shame on you-Love you!!
Saturday, June 27th 10:05 p.m.-In our backyard in the past month or two there has been a momma bird building a nest on top of the outside light fixture.  Working hard all night the nest would be there every morning and I would knock it down worrying that it would catch on fire if the light was on.  She was very diligent and would do it over and over.  Finally she gave up and built a nest in a low branch in the tree, about my height.  I have watched her over the last few weeks sit patiently on the nest day after hot day.  Two days ago I noticed she was now sitting on the side of the nest and three little heads began to pop up. This reminds me of how God created Mom's to love and protect their little ones the way he loves and protects all of us.  These three little birds remind me of my three special babies, you, Tyler & Jill.  To you my angel, you have earned your wings now it is time to fly.
Sunday, June 28th 8:40 a.m.-Today a poem that says it all.  Unfortunately I do not know the author's name to give them credit.

A Message for Mom

Last night while I was trying to sleep
My son's voice did I hear.
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.
He said: Mom you've got to listen,
You've got to understand;
God didn't take me from you, Mom
He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that day,
The instant that I died.
He reached down and touched my hand,
And pulled me to His side.
He pulled me up and saved me,
From the misery and the pain.

My body was so badly hurt,
I could never be the same.
My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within;
All the answers to empty dreams,
And all that might have been.

I love you all and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby.
My body's gone forever
But my spirit will never die!
And so, you must all go on now,
Live one day at a time,
Just understand!
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand.

Loving you always Justin!

Monday, June 29th 9:40 p.m.-We ate Italian food tonight Justin and your love of eating comes to mind. First of all it didn't matter if you had just had a meal if you came into momma's house it was time to eat again. Think that is natural with all of us though, nothing ever tastes quite as good as it does at Mom's or grandma's house.  When I think of you I think of dipping chocolate bars into the peanut butter like the commercial.  I think of chicken strips with lots of honey mustard or ranch dressing and of course, macaroni & cheese on the side.  I remember you folded each slice of pizza in half long ways as you ate it.  I remember as a teenager how you honestly had a hollow leg, you could eat a huge meal and in 30 minutes be back for a couple of double decker PB & J sandwiches rinsed down with a huge glass of milk.  I also remember you told folks you only liked to drink the milk at Mom's house and how you had to smell everything before eating it. I am sure now that I think back, nothing green ever passed those lips.  What silly things to think of but I am sure peanut butter pie should carry the name Justin's peanut butter pie (you always wanted one just for you-ha!).

Tuesday, June 30th 7:00 p.m.-Tomorrow July begins, another reminder that you have been out of my sight for nearly a year.  My eyes may no longer see you but I know you are here, locked in my heart. I don't think I could bear to live another day if I thought I would truly never get to hold or see you again.  I try every day to focus on how happy you are, free--finally free of all pain and all your worries.  The selfish part of me wants you back at any cost but the true mother's heart takes over and I try to feel your joy. So son, be joyful, sing, dance and bask in heaven's glow.  Our life on earth surely must be just a blink in time to life in heaven, so save a place for me. I really need a hug and kiss from you, would even welcome some of your teasing and to hear "But Mom" one more time.  Loving you always and tucking you into my heart tonight never to be forgotten!

Wednesday, July1st 11:50 p.m.-Tonight I was thinking about how you used to tell me you were born in the wrong era.  You liked music from the 70's and always wore tie-dyed shirts when you were at home.  Even had some patchwork pants.  On the other hand you were one of the most particular people I know about looking good with your brand name clothes and shoes when you had to dress up.  I remember teaching you to do your own laundry because I got tired of finding clean clothes in the hamper just because you didn't want to put them away-ha!  Then as an adult you were so picky about your clothes you didn't even want me to wash them - who taught you anyway-right? I also remember not being able to keep up with your changing fashions-one day it was the skater look, the hippy look the next and the preppy look the following day.  You loved your clothes dude-hope your angel duds are to your liking.  My guess is they are just right and it probably doesn't matter as much now, but when I get there I will expect to find you in tie-dye-Ha!

Thursday, July 2nd 11:55 p.m.-Death is not extinguishing the light; it is putting out the lamp because dawn has come. Rabindranath Tagore   Just thought a quote was good for today and I really love this one.  Justin your dawn has come baby, you be happy in it and I know you will. Loving and missing you!

 

          

           

Friday, July 3rd 2:00 p.m.-Justin thinking of you today as I prepare for July 4th with family.  Wishing you could be here.  Remember many times going to the river bank, throwing down a blanket and listening to the symphony as the fireworks were shot off the bridge.   I remember that we used to watch the helicopters circling the area to watch the fireworks from the sky and now just like them you will have a spectacular view.  With all the beauty you see everyday now they probably pale  in comparison. Keeping you in my thoughts, every minute of every day Justin.

Saturday, July 4th 10:00 p.m.-I guess my mind today goes to your time in the army.  You were so proud of all your accomplishments as were we all.  You worked hard, made lots of friends and did things I could never imagine that you would do.  I remember when Austin was born you were in the desert training.  I remember your fear of spiders and thinking you would probably use the machine gun to kill one if it got in your tent-Ha! You made it through it but you had lots of stories about no bath for days, learning to set off grenades, and driving the Bradley tanks.  Driving a tank was a scary thought for me since driving a car was not exactly your best skill.  I also remember you said when you finally got to take a bath there was dirt in places you didn't even know you had-pretty funny story coming from the guy who preferred to smell like sun-ripened raspberry lotion! Happy 4th of July son, hope the fireworks were grand!

Sunday, July 5th 5:20 p.m.-Your grandparents are here from Florida this week.   Makes me remember the first time we traveled there after Terry and I married, you were 8 years old.  You had such a blast, you wanted to sit in the first 3 rows at Sea World just to let Shamu get you soaked.  Then when we were at Disney World standing in line to ride It's a small World, we overheard you talking gibberish.  When we asked you what you were doing, you said you wanted everyone to think you were from another country.  You had seen so many different people at the park and were exposed to different languages that you just had to play the part.  As always, you were one of the funniest, most witty people I will probably ever know as a kid and as an adult.  Wonder what you're like in heaven?  Are you still cracking jokes-most likely!!

Monday, July 6th 11:45 p.m.-Lots of tears today and cannot really put my finger on why today is worse than yesterday.  Brings to my mind the times in your life when I tried as your Mom to make your hurts-physical and emotional go away with a kiss, a kind word, a prayer or just a willing ear to listen.  I felt helpless at times to make things better but I always tried.  Remember when a special bandaid could fix anything but now I wonder how do you fix a broken heart. If it were Terry you know he would use velcro or duct tape-Ha!  If it were Tyler he would take it all apart and put it back together.  Jill would swap her tender heart for mine.  Praying today for a sign from you Justin, that you are around me and somehow that you can give me a little heavenly superglue to hold my heart together until we can hold each other again. Goodnight Justin!

Tuesday, July 7th 11:30 p.m.-Tonight I went to a Bereaved Parents meeting, not really a club I would ever want to join because of what qualifies you to be a member, but they are a group of people who truly understand my pain.  I have found so many good caring friends there and here on last-memories site that have faced my struggles and have been a tremendous help to me in the past year.  Without the support of friends like these and God above I can honestly say I probably would not be writing this tonight.  Trying to remember all the good times we had Justin and not focus on the things we could have done differently.  Simple things tonight remind me of you, like the beautiful full moon I saw in the clear sky on the way into work.  I can remember you would call me on the phone to go outside and see the moon when it was especially beautiful or to witness a beautiful rainbow in the sky. Thank you for all the joy you brought to my life.  Each and every day we had together was  a precious gift(even the trying ones) and I am looking forward to the day that we will see each other again! You hold my place for me, keep my seat warm cause when I get there I want you to sit on my lap again just like you did at the age of 28 years old-Ha!

Wednesday, July 8th 9:15 p.m.-Funny story tonight, thinking about when you were in the 6th grade and you and other boys got into trouble for blocking the door closed after recess keeping the rest of the class outside.  They called me and told me that they could suspend you for three days or I could come to school with you for three days.  Well, when I walked in to the office you had all your stuff anticipating a much desired three day vacation; however, what you got was a constant companion for the next three days in the 6th grade.  We have laughed over the years about me sitting right beside you in class, flicking your leg every time you decided to get out of line or not pay attention.  Then when it was lunch time for some reason you thought I would go out to lunch and instead I parted the boys at your table and sat right beside you.  You were going to leave me sitting  on the side of the playground at recess while you played basketball and I told you I could shoot a mean granny shot-no basketball for you those days.  The only place I didn't go with you was into the bathroom, but I anxiously stood right beside the door awaiting your return.  Needless to say I only went back to the 6th grade one time, never had to do it again.  You were one funny kid Justin even in the trying times.

Thursday, July 9th 6:40 p.m.-Today another poem that speaks my heart. Missing you more everyday Justin!

 

MY CHILD

On the day God took you 
I thought that I would die
I wondered where the time went?
I asked alot of whys??
With people all around me
I felt alone inside
From all their words of comfort,
I couldn't seem to hide,
I thought I might be dreaming
That I'd wake and find you here,
I thought "This can't be happening."
As I wiped another tear.
On the day that you were laid to rest
My heart broke yet again,
I wondered if the pain would end,
But mostly, I wondered when??
It's hard to be without you,
At times the days seem long,
Sometimes I just sit crying,
When there's really nothing wrong.
I wish we'd had more time,
Before your life was done.
I hope your resting peacefully,
My precious Son.....

Friday, July 10th 6:05 p.m.-Ticking off another day of memories of lasts, the last time we hugged and told each other we loved each other, the last time we talked on the phone, the last time we ate a meal together, and the list goes on.  As I sit here in tears I know these are truly not lasts we have just hit the pause button because I know I will see you again.  Until then I will lock these memories into my heart, holding them there like the treasure they are.  Closing my eyes and seeing your smiling face.   I would give anything to hold you again, right now today but I know that is not possible.  One minute, one hour, one day at a time Justin until I see you again.  You are truly only one heartbeat away! So tonight it is not goodbye just see you later, hold my place for me!

Saturday, July 11th 10:30 p.m.-Well tonight I feel like you sent me a sign Justin.  I opened my freezer door and there in the door was a bag of homemade peanut butter balls, left from Christmas I guess.  Now I get into the freezer at least once a day and have never seen these there (believe me in this family if anyone knew they were there they would have been gone a long time ago), but they were right there in the door literally staring me in the face.  Aunt Virginia used to make you a batch of your very own (alittle spoiled weren't you) and the rest of us would have to negotiate a few for us-Ha! Craziness that these would be found this week of all times but I am going to take this as a loving sign from you knowing how much you loved them.  Made me
Sunday, July 12th 6:00 p.m.-Yesterday I watched as Austin opened his birthday presents at his early birthday party.  His excitement reminded me so much of you and the many times we celebrated your birthday.  You were truly a kid at heart even as an adult.  The older I get I wish birthdays would sometimes go unnoticed but you had not gotten there yet.  It was always a big production.  When you were little we did every theme birthday known to man, Showbiz pizza, McDonald's, fireman party at the fire station, swimming parties and the list is endless.  As an adult you wanted my homemade lasagna and the cake of your choosing (usually something to do with peanut butter and chocolate).   Well Justin what a spectacular way you will celebrate 30 years old in August, we will be celebrating right along with you on your birthday.  We will eat lasagna and cake and think of you and the joy you brought to our lives.  Even though we miss you we will celebrate your freedom, your peace and your happiness thanking God for blessing us with you for 28 years, 11 months and 3 days. 

Monday, July 13th 9:15 p.m.-Trying to hold it together today Justin but have been in tears most of the day.  Cannot put words to why today, just know my heart hurts.  I am preparing for your balloon release and candlelighting to celebrate your life and it is giving me purpose to make it through the days.  You know me always do better if I have a project in hand.  You are now my main project, I will make sure you are never forgotten.  Your children will know you as long as I have breath to tell them and after I am gone they will be able to look at this website and have a memory book of you.  Long after everyone else doesn't want to talk about it any longer you will remain in my thoughts (you are by the way the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night.  You can bet anytime anyone asks me what I am thinking about it most likely is you.)  Please Justin stay around me, I need to know you are here in whatever way you can manage.  I will not say Goodbye, just see you later dude!  Love you with all my heart and soul Justin.

Tuesday, July 14th 9:30 p.m.-For some reason tonight I am thinking about the three weeks you spent in the hospital when you had your car accident in 2007.  I remember you were in there several days flat on your back with many fractures in your back.  You gave it your all to try to get up to walk when I saw an awful knot on your spine, come to find out your spinal column was compressed and you came very close to severing it and paralysis in the wreck.  You ended up with two very long metal rods in your back, the neurosurgeon said the injury was so bad it was like trying to find a place to hang your hat that there was not enough intact bone to put the rods in.  I guess I say all that to say even though you were tough you still needed your momma.  The nurses never  gave you a bath, never made your bed because you would wait till your mom got back (in the one hour I was allowed to leave for a bath a day).  We had some great late night talks and laughs during those three weeks and the months that followed while you got well. Even though I would give anything for you not to have had to endure that pain, I cherish the time that I took care of you.  You would call me to you in the middle of the night just to give me a kiss and tell me you loved and appreciated me. Well tonight I smile because you no longer need me to nurse you back to health, baby you are free of pain, no more rods in that back now.  You are probably jumping and dancing your way around heaven-no doubt! Love you.

Wednesday, July 15th 1:15 p.m.-Tonight we celebrate you and your life Justin.  Watch for your balloons and enjoy the light of the candles we light for you!

 

        

 

A candle to remember, may it burn every so bright

                        As we look to the heavens on this very night.

                          Beyond the stars, our dear Justin soars

                        Embraced by his Savior on heaven's shores.

                  As the angels protect him and sing Justin's sweet name

                          We honor his life with the glow of this flame.

                            So we light this candle for Justin tonight

                          As a symbol of our love and his eternal life.

Thursday, July 16th 11:00 a.m.-Last night was a beautiful expression of our memories and love for you Justin. This morning I got up and went to the cemetery, lit a candle and watched the sunrise.  One year ago at that very time you slipped from your earthly body into God's loving arms.  As I was sitting there waiting for the sunrise, which was rather subdued today because of the clouds I read a post I received through the night from Grief Share-the topic today was "Enjoy God's Creation", how appropriate that I was talking to you enjoying only a small view of the glorious beauty you must see in great magnitude.  Although I am sorrowful, I am also grateful that God has you in His embrace.  Every day I will try to enjoy God's beauty and realize that I am one day closer to seeing you.  Another poem for today says it all.

 

It’s been a year since you’ve passed away

Our wounds are healing slow

We want so much to hear your voice

To see your smile’s glow

We feel a warmth around us

Like your presence is so near

And we close our eyes to visualize

Your face when you were here

We think about you with love today

But that is nothing new

We thought about you yesterday

And days before that too

We think of you in silence

We often speak your name

Now all we have is memories

And your picture in a frame

Your memory is a keepsake

With which we’ll never part

God has you in his keeping

We have you in our heart

You will NEVER be forgotten, you have been a part of my heart since I found out in December 1978 that there was a little baby growing inside of me.  It was under my heart you started and in my heart you will stay Justin!

        

 

 

 

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