Justin Bradley Lindley

Well Justin, we made it through another anniversary of your step into paradise.  Enjoyed the beautiful sunrise with you yesterday, hope you enjoyed it from your side (must even be more beautiful from heaven). 

 

Spent time together as a family last night, eating lasagna (your favorite).  Will never forget my baby.  Rejoicing with you as you start another day in heaven.  Stay around your babies, they talk about you all the time.  Jaycie goes to the picture frame where pictures of you run constantly, yesterday says my Daddy loves me, of course, my answer was he sure does baby.

 

Love you to heaven and back again my sweet Justin!

 

 

You know that box full of stuff just waiting to be made into a scrapbook? My box turned into two. I opened up one to find a picture of you and some old letters right on top. It took my breath away and I realized this is something I won't ever get over. There's not a picture or note from you to add in the future and that's a hard thing to swallow, but like this box of memories .. all I can do is work through it. I realized that I carry a lot of guilt. I have forgiven you of your imperfections and I'm working on forgiving myself. Thank you for being in my life, I'll go out and make some memories for you.

Enjoyed a beautiful sunrise with you this morning.  Have a beautiful day in paradise today!  I will never forget!!!!  The heart always remembers!!

Another year without you here in body comes to a close in just a few hours.  I long to touch you, to give you one of those momma kisses you were never embarrassed about no matter where we were.  I sit here crying but I can also smile through the tears because I can only imagine how very happy you are in heaven. 

 

In the morning I will go to where you physical being lies in rest, I'll bring with me a candle and I hope you can see its glimmer.  I am going to watch the sunrise and talk to you, I hope your view from heaven is a splendid one.  This is about the time you slipped from your earthly body to your new healthy heavenly body.  So tonight as I cry--I choose to be HAPPY FOR YOU!!

 

You will always be my baby boy, that never changes no matter how old we get, how far we are apart.  I know I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN!!!!  When you were growing up I always told you I loved you to the moon and back but now I am going to tell you I Love You to Heaven and back! 

 

Until we can hold each other again, I will continue to miss you with all my heart!

 

Forever and always,

 

Mom

Today is my 29th birthday and all I can think about is 2 years ago today was the last time I heard your voice....and I had no idea it would be the last. We talked for hours that night and it was awesome because we hadn't done that in such a long time. Regardless of what was going on between us you were always my best friend and I could talk to you about anything. That night you apologized for everything you had ever done to me and for the way things turned out...I forgive you Justin. I too wish things had turned out different for us, we were young but very much in love. My heart aches for you, I never thought the day would come and you would be gone forever. Thank you for touching my life and my heart the way you did...and thank you for making me a part of such a wonderful family, I am very blessed. I am also blessed to have your only son and so glad he got to know you for a little bit anyway. He is so much like you, it's amazing...you would be so proud of him. He is the coolest kid ever....or as you would say "he's as cool as the other side of your pillow."

 

Loving you and Missing you ALWAYS!

 

Robi

Justin-sitting here remembering you this morning! I heard other parents talk about dreams, visions and signs from their children.  I admit I have had a few unusual happenings since you left us and I pray they are some way associated with you, I am going to believe that they are.  I would love to dream of you, to see you again, and talk to you again.  I love you so much! 

 

I pray that my missing you has not somehow bothered the other two kids or the grandkids.  I hope they know I love them very much too.  I don't want my grief for you to in anyway make them doubt that fact.  If anything I think I now cherish every moment with them more than ever.

 

I am forever a changed person, a changed mother, a changed wife, a changed Mimi, .....   There is an emptiness in my heart and my life that has never existed before.  Trying hard to make it work but I can never be the same as before July 16, 2008.

 

Love you Justin! 

Justin-participating this weekend in Bereaved Parents conference here in Little Rock.  I never would have chosen to be a part of this group but the support I have received from other parents in my situation is the only thing that gets me through most days.  I feel have found kindred spirits at Bereaved Parents and here on Last-Memories.  These folks GET IT!!!!  They understand the pain, they know that I will never be OVER YOU!  Thanks to these people I know I can make it, that my grief will grow softer although it never goes away. 

 

I miss you so much, I am dreading this week.  It is impossible not to think of our LASTS-our last hug, our last kiss, our last conversation, .......  Got on the "I"M O.K. FACE" today, trying my hardest to make it through. 

 

Love you Justin!!

What is " Normal"? Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life. Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter. Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket. Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything. Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand what if's & why didn't I's go through your head constantly. Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away. Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening. Normal is staring at every young man who looks like he is my son's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it, because it will never happen. Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart. Normal is telling the story of your child's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds. And yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal". Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really. Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my son loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it. Normal is having some people afraid to mention my child. Normal is making sure that others remember him. Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve our loss forever. Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse sometimes, not better. Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING. Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you - it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it. Normal is realizing I do cry everyday. Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one. Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child. Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child. Normal is feeling a common bond with friends on the computer in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but yet never having met any of them face to face. Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives. Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why he was taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother. Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food. Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have three children or two, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have two children to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your child. Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God. Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years. And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal" -author unknown

Everyday that clicks off now as we get closer to your Angel Day I feel the hurt as if it were yesterday.  There is still a part of me that can't believe it has been two years, I still expect you to call me, to be here at the house and at all family events.  Then there is the reality of two years without you, an eternity.....   I do believe you and I will again be able to be together again or I don't think I could make it another minute. 

 

For today, I make it through each minute, then another hour, another day, another month and another year, living on the promise of life in heaven with you.  I watch my other children mature, the grandbabies growing and just keep on going.  I will be happy today because of that and because of the gift of precious memories that I hold until we can see each other again Justin.

 

Loving you yesterday, today and forever more Justin.

Austin got back yesterday from his first official week long church camp, unbelievable that he is old enough to go.  This month he turns 11 years old which is so very hard to believe.  It seems like only yesterday when you were turning this age, where did the time go.  He has so many of your characteristics, the older he gets the more of you I see.  He loves adventure, just did a free fall 10 stories into a net at camp-something I can imagine you doing. 

 

He is entering a very challenging part of his life now Justin, I pray that you will stay around him.  He's been going through some hard times here recently which I attribute to delayed grief.  He tries to be so strong but his little heart hurts for you.  He loves you and misses you.  He recently made me a sign to put on the fridge with your name, peace signs cause he knows you loved them.

 

Loving you always son!