Justin Bradley Lindley

Well Justin today I have Jaycie, she is getting so big-almost 3 years old.  Working hard at making sure she never forgets her Daddy.  Today at the mall we were walking to the car, there was a bright shiny dime on the parking lot, I said "Oh Jaycie, look a dime from heaven".  She immediately replied "from my Daddy?".  Can't even imagine where she got this, I occasionally find dimes I think are from you, just a little I love you Mom but honestly never think she has heard me or anyone else relate that to you or even say it.  This is one smart little girl Justin.  Her eyes are so beautiful, dark brown almost black-just like her Daddy's eyes.

 

She loves to look at pictures of you and especially the one's of you and her as a baby.  She even told her Grammy one night that she saw you in the corner of the room at bedtime-I believe that with all my heart.  She was so insistent and she was much younger than now, almost a year ago. You stay around these babies as much as you can, comfort them if possible.  I am trying so hard in your absence but it isn't the same. 

 

I remember so well the day she was born, watching your tears of joy.  So glad I got all of that video for her to hear you telling her just how very beautiful she is, want her to know you loved her with all of your heart.  

 

Miss you so much Justin, don't worry son, I've got your back like always, I will make sure she remembers you!!!! 

Tonight Justin is a simple good night, love you and miss you.  Working those crazy double evening/night shifts.  I miss talking to you late at night, watching crazy movies with you, cooking top of the stove cookies in the middle of the night, eating store bought cookie dough without cooking it by the spoonful, listening to your crazy stories and your laugh, I could go on forever and ever. 

 

I never envisioned the time these things would be only memories, but even so I am glad I have them.  I am glad I have you tucked right here in my heart until we see each other again.  You keep heaven rockin' til I get there son! Love you more than words could ever express!

Justin, couple of days ago a high school classmate of mine posted a memory of you when you were 2 or 3 years old at daycare.  She remembered your dark hair, brown eyes and the fact that every day she would rub your back so you would go to sleep at nap time.  The memory made me smile because I actually had forgotten that.  I guess what struck me more about it was the fact that how a simple loving act given to a toddler could bring joy some 28 years later.  Often times I don't think we realize that everything we do or say, no matter how trivial we might think they are, has an impact.  This is one reason that I do random acts of kindness in your memory.  It is my way of giving back for one of God's greatest gifts, the gift of YOU!!  No matter how depressed I am it always makes me smile.  I find myself now searching out ways to bless someone in your memory just because of the way it uplifts me.

 

Thanking Jesus today as I sit here remembering you, for every single second of the 28 years 11 months and 3 days he allowed me to spend with you, being your Mom!  Thanking him today for people like Julie who touch our lives in simple ways, often unnoticed and unappreciated at the time. Asking that my eyes and heart always be open to those around me who touch me and to be open to those to who I can pay forward a loving act.

 

I miss you so much Justin!  Love you to the moon and back!

Justin today I am thinking of our relationship, Mother & Son!  There was a period in our lives when it was just you and me, six years in fact.  You were eight when Tyler was born, so truly you were raised as an only child for quite a long time.  I remember how creative and active you were in your play.  You used every object you had available to create your play world.  With you being my only child for so long I thought all kids did this and had this kind of energy 24/7. I was amazed when I had other children that actually would sit for a short time and read a book!! There are circumstances in your life if I could have changed I would have but the one thing I would never change is YOU!!  Your mind was always running, many times your body didn't follow quite as quickly especially as you got older, but those wheels upstairs were always in fast motion.  Wonder if that followed you into heaven-How fast you flyin' up there Son??  Driving was never your forte so I pray you are better at transportation in heaven-lol.

 

Back to our relationship, although we had our challenges we faced through the years they never affected our closeness.  There were never challenges between us other than dealing with the things that affected your life.  I always wanted the best life had to offer you and tried hard, many times working 2 or 3 jobs as a single parent to give them to you.  For that I have no regret because I always had time for you too, giving you all the love and attention you needed. It was me who kissed your hurts, it was me who took care of your every need, it was me that went on all those stinky field trips to the zoo in 100 degree heat-lol.  Even though I would have liked to erase some of the hurts in your life, I wasn't able to do it.  I know you knew that my love for you would never change, nothing could lessen it or take it away.  Today as I write this I am proud and confident in our relationship and our love for each other and this is one thing DEATH CANNOT TAKE AWAY!!! 

I love you my firstborn!

 

 

There are so many layers of grief.  I remember as a young nurse-to be in school learning about the stages of grief described by Kubler-Ross.   I feel like a freakin' ping-pong ball bouncing all over grief and it's layers and stages!  There is one thing that was said at a Bereaved Parents meeting that has made lots of sense to me, you don't GET OVER grief, it is something you walk through!  You have to experience it whether or not you want to do it.  It is always around the corner waiting to jump on your back, change your attitude, and bring you to instant tears.  I have many days I can smile most of the day, till bedtime when I miss you.  In the beginning of this journey, I cried everytime I was alone, in the shower, in the car, .....   These times had gotten fewer but now getting close to your angel date they are here slapping me in the face again!

 

It was about six months into this journey before I slowed down enough to realize you were gone, really gone!  I cried day and night, remember one cold rainy day that I would have literally liked to have gone to the cemetary and lay on your grave till I died too.  My rational side knows I can't do that, I have more than just myself to think about.  What I wouldn't give for one more smile, one more hug, one more Mom-I love you!, hearing your laugh just once more, --I could go on forever. I miss you Justin, I miss everything about you!   Some days I want to SCREAM ALL DAY-WHY GOD, WHY MY BABY????   WHY NOT ME??  I always told you I would give my life for you and I still would!

 

Today as I sit here crying my eyes out, I am going to reach to the depths of my soul, pull out some pleasant memories.  I am going to try my best to find my smile, slip into the layer of grief that people are comfortable with and save my tears for my alone time!  Love you much Justin!!

Well I took Austin to his first counseling appointment this morning. We went to see his regular family doctor last month for a meds check and she asked me how I thought he was doing, I told her I thought he was having some struggles with Justin's upcoming angel day and I thought some counseling might be helpful. No questions asked she said ok and I would be hearing from someone in the next couple of days to get it set up. The last few days he has been asking me why he had to go to counseling, I tell him I feel like he is having a hard time dealing with his daddy being gone. With dred and frustration in his voice, he tells me he's fine and he doesn't need it and it's a waste of time. But I didn't buy it for one second....We got to the office and filled out paperwork and he seemed fine, almost as soon as we were called back and the door closed, he was different. I could see him fighting the tears as the lady asked us both a seriers of questions and his answers were short and quite like he was affraid if he spoke too much he would lose it. After we left and were riding in the car, I asked him was he ok he said yes....then I asked him was counseling still a waste of time....he said no. I feel for my son and wished there was some way I could make it all better but I can't...I can only hope I am doing the right thing. I feel like Austin keeps his feelings bottled up and doesn't want to show them in fear that it will hurt our feelings and I can see why he might feel way...I have told him he doesn't have to talk to me but to please talk to somebody. Lord I pray this counseling gives him some relief.  

Read one of the candles lit by another angel's Mom this morning, talked about the path since losing you being very bumpy, long and windy, LOST; how very true this is.  I have always felt like I had my life's purpose in sight, goals,a future and now most days I feel like I am bouncing around trying to find direction.  I go through the motions of the day, keeping the grandbabies, working the night shifts as a nurse, being a Mom & Mimi ........ but hard to stay focused.  I do alot of things but now feel like I do nothing well.  My depression overwhelms me most days, I function and that is pretty much the extent of it.  I try to smile and put on my happy face but inside I cry.  Everyone wants and needs to see that HAPPY FACE so they feel o.k., they don't have to talk about it any longer but I will never forget and I will always feel the need to talk about you, Justin!!  After all, how does a mother forget her child?   I have never been able to comprehend the mother's who choose to walk away from their children and never will.  Continue to do Random Acts of Kindness in your memory and that does make me SMILE!!!!!!

I think one of the struggles of a bereaved parent is letting the remaining children and grandchildren know that although we are overcome with hurt and grief that they are still important in our lives.  Our grief does not make them any less loved or appreciated, in fact, it is the opposite.  I feel like my other children do not express their grief, at least to me, for fear of making me more sad.  Actually, it helps me to know they miss their brother too and are properly dealing with their own grief.  My heart aches for their loss, not only of their brother but of the mother they used to know-the one who is now forever changed.  I also hate that family activities such as holidays are different now, we struggle for new happy normals but there is always someone missing.  The clown that always stuffed his cheeks with sausage balls on Christmas morning, the one who opened his presents on the sly and then looked up all the information on the gift on the computer forgetting to cover his tracks on the computer history.  Will life ever be the same?  The answer is NO but because we are a family and Justin would want us to go on and be happy we will continue to try!  We are trying Justin-but it is so very HARD without you here.

The past few months have been challenging dealing with Austin and the changes he is going thru. I know for the most part iit is probably normal for his age but some parts of me can't help but think he is having a hard time with his daddy being gone. Almost everyday, he still asks me questions about his daddy, if he ever got in trouble for this or did he like that, etc. It breaks my heart because I can't take the pain away and I know he feels cheated. Yesterday we were in Hallmark and  I mentioned that I needed to get my dad a Father's Day card, Austin's quickly responded "I wish I could give my dad a Father's Day card" it hit me like a ton of bricks and I suddenly felt sorry for even thinking of my own dad. I told him I was sorry but we could take balloons or flowers out to the cememtary if he wanted to. I'm sorry and don't care how selfish this sounds but why does my baby have to go the rest of his life without his daddy and always wonder what it would be like to have him around?? It's just not fair and yes almost 2 years later I am still angry and no where near getting over losing my best friend, the love of my life and the father to my son. But I am grateful that even though we were both so very young, that we were blessed with Austin....Yes Teresa you're right, God knew Austin would give us all great comfort after Justin's passing.  Words can't describe the awesomeness that young man makes me feel and there's not a day that goes by that I don't look at him and see Justin....and those little moments fill my heart with so much joy....I just wish Justin was here to share him with me.

 

Justin, I love you and miss you very much!

You know I told Robi recently that I do believe that everything has a reason, some are way beyond what we can or will ever understand.  I do know this, I remember being so upset when you were 19 years old and Robi was only 16, thinking of the two of you becoming parents when you were young and very unsettled.  There was never a question that the baby would be loved but I sure worried about the impact on My Baby!  God always has a plan, he knew that some day I would need to look into the eyes of your children and see you.  To watch them grow, to have them warm my heart in your absence.  A link to you, they are so much like you sometimes it is truly amazing.  The only thing I don't understand is the WHY you can't be here for them-guess I will never understand that!