Justin Bradley Lindley

Justin holding you close in my thoughts today as always.  You are the first thing I think of each morning and the last thing I think of at night.  I know, or at least I think I know, how happy you must be to finally be free from the worries of this world. I know my pain of losing you will never leave, I do thank God everyday for keeping you in his loving arms. Know every day now is pain free, worry free and full of beauty for you--and for that I am happy. 

Thankful today for the reassurance you are blessed and happy, also that I can be with you again.  Love you Justin, see you baby in the blink of an eye.

I can't get over you,

 

Because I carried you for nine long months, and

you where there, right under my heart.

 

 

I can't get over you,

Because I felt your butterfly flutterings and your tiny taps,

to let me know that you were part of me, and my life forever.

 

 

I can't get over you,

Because I fell in love with you the very second

that I knew you were there, and I knew that we where forever one.

 

 

I can't get over you,

Because I heard your first cry as you entered this world,

And because I held your body so close to my heart.

 

I can't get over you because, I heard your first burp, and kissed

your head for the first time.

 

 

I can't get over you,

Because I saw your first tear as it fell upon your cheek

and because you looked at me with such trusting loving eyes,

that made me the center of your world.

 

I can't get over you, my precious child,

because I saw your first steps and heard your first laugh,

I held you so tightly, and rocked you through the night.

 

 

I can't get over you,

Because you trusted me to love and take care of you.

I can't get over you because you were, and still are, my child.

 

I will never get over you,

Because I am your mother,

And I will love you forever,

I will never get over you!

~ Author Unknown

The month of May this year was physically challenging for me, 5 days in the hospital and then gallbladder surgery.  This month has been more financially challenging, one major costly thing after another!  Everything I face now is easier to put in perspective because it pales in comparison to losing you three years ago.  I am not saying I can face everything with a smile cause I can't but things certainly don't upset me the way they used to that is for sure.

I hear people, myself included, fussing about the things in life that are just that THINGS and I stop in my tracks!  I have yet to come across anything that is worse than losing your child, a part of your heart, your existence of who you are-a mother.  Jesus knew exactly what he was doing to place you in my body right under my heart!  I had 9 months to know you and love you before I ever even layed eyes on your beautiful face.  You were a part of my heart from the beginning.

I guess losing a child is somewhat like losing a leg, you are here, you probably can still walk (with assistance) but you will never be the same, the limp will always be a reminder of what you had.  The same is true of losing a child, I literally feel like part of my heart is gone, granted it is still there but there is a huge hole that has a patch on it to keep all the memories in.  I will never be the same, I will have this aching reminder  that you made my heart complete.  One thing that really sucks about the patch over my heart is that it is not visible to the eye, people look at me on the outside, see me and view me as doing o.k., recovering from the loss of the most precious gift I've ever received!  I encourage anyone that might take the time to read this, if someone you know has lost their child, they are forever injured, they may limp and stumble through life but they are NOT the same-nor will they ever be.  You can give them an arm, a shoulder, a listening ear.  Let them talk to you about their child, don't be afraid to mention their name.  This is the one thing that puts a SMILE on their face, to know that you too have NOT forgotten.

Justin, holding you close in my heart today.  Every time I look into the eyes of your children I see you.  Even Jaycie has the some of the very same facial expressions you had, amazing.  She tells me all the time she misses you.  I continue to tell her we WILL get to see you again someday.   I see Austin approaching the teenage years and I try hard to be here for him.  He made me a Mother's Day card at church this year and wrote in it how much he loved me and thanks for being there in the tough times.  Melted my Mimi heart.  Everyday I wish you were here watching them grow!  I still do not understand WHY you are not, but I know God has a plan for you and for them.  Maybe someday I'll understand . . . . .

In the days and months after you left us I would get panicky that I would forget your face and your memories.  I used to close my eyes and get really frustrated when I couldn't picture  your  face in my mind.  I am happy to say that for the most part that has passed, I can close my eyes now and see you, hear you and feel you.  Still waiting to dream about you but I know that will come too.
My heart hurts to the depths of my soul but I am trying to remember the promise of seeing and holding you again some day.  Some days are harder than others and some things are softer now than in the beginning.  I will never forget you my son, you are in my heart forever.  How can anyone ever expect a mother to forget her child, to move on after losing a part of her heart?  Beyond me, how people who are supposed to love me can not do the one thing that is comforting to me--SAY YOUR NAME, TELL ME THEY MISS YOU!  You last angel date came and went without so much as a phone call or comment from people who know me and you very well-so very sad!  I will say that I did get support from unexpected places and people, that did touch my heart!  Oh well, one foot in front of the other . . . . .

You know when I first lost you I searched for a ways to keep your memory alive, one of the ways was creating this website for your children to have "forever" memories of you and another was the random acts of kindness cards.  I don't know how many people still use them but I do because there is no better way to feel better quickly and put a smile on my face than to do something nice for someone else.  It blesses them and me because they get to see your beautiful face on the card.  Sometimes I even get a chance to tell them about you!  Today I was at Wal-Mart and there was the chance to support women in recovery, what a blessing, made me smile!  Love you my sweet son to heaven and back!!!!